DIARY
Once again, it is just me. Just like how things have always been.
To be truthful to myself and this place.. is what I wish for.
I have a hard time fathoming how and why I would ever occupy someone’s thoughts, so it genuinely never crosses my mind - but if you are still here, if you still care, if I’ve made you feel anything from these words, thank you. You have most likely made me feel so much more, that I started to wonder if being gifted words when I am unable to speak, write or even think, is the greatest gift of all. It must be up there.
Maybe it is being on the precipice of total exhaustion, of getting a heatstroke, lightheadedness, that makes me feel alive - because I’ve found myself returning to the park, mostly to visit Swan Lake, again and again. Going outside and exhausting the body and mind by overstimulating the senses to the point where you can’t think about anything but food and water is only a temporary solution to a permanent problem, but that’s been how I’ve been choosing to spend my days.
I set foot out the door, even as the sun is about to set, knowing that I won’t have very long…
So many different people frequent this garden, but in a certain area, though not really a hidden spot, I find myself in blissful solitude, a place where it feels like no one will ever find me. Where your gaze falls while looking across from this pond where the lily pads crowd together, is my “secret spot”. Where it is technically illegal to be after 7pm.. and I overstayed unknowingly…! And then no one saw me, so I was “barred” in… embarrassing as it is to admit...it did made me feel a little cool.
My mind feels like the canvas of a plein air painting. Suddenly, I remember that I’ve actually been here twice, many years ago, but different parts of this huge place. Maybe one day, I’ll chance upon the exact places that impressed upon me a deeply treasured memory. However, places are more unreliable than humans when it comes to change; I wouldn’t be surprised if I never get the chance to revisit the exact scenes from my memory.
THE NEXT DAY
Even after a whole night of being unable to sleep, I still find my way back here. Going early only means more hours of exploration! (in the hottest time of the year..) Who knew that walking for hours on end with no goal in mind, for the sake of the experience, could make my heart feel so full? Ah, but I’m sure you knew that already!
I am in a cranky mood, sleep deprived and all puffy, as I breathe in the air imbued with petrichor from the rain that ended just a moment ago, and I feel much better. On the bus ride to the park, I’m ever so slightly excited to see the same things I’ve seen multiple times.. why does it never fail to fulfil me? I don’t need, I don’t eat, I don’t sleep. I’m in love again.
Seeing many people out and about is nice, but the world does seem very beautiful at this time of day - empty except for tourists, the elderly and the unemployed.
The swan seemed to recognise this elderly man, whom I think works here, and immediately went up to him to and followed him as he greeted the swan! It was very lovely to watch, I thought to myself, I want to become friends with the swan too…
It slowly made its way over to me, and wagged its tail...
Then later, it dipped its head in the water and snorted at me! It didn’t do that to anyone else!!! I couldn’t stop giggling for a while, I didn’t know swans were this adorable and friendly!!! Now, I have a reason to come back even more frequently.
It started raining again, and I wandered aimlessly with my umbrella as my only companion. Through the humid rain, my legs ached, but the song of the birds and the sound of the raindrops as they hit the ground helped me carry on. I can’t say that I’ve had other experiences that felt as healing as this. The birds led me to this bench underneath a canopy, overlooking more ponds with lily pads floating.. I sat to recuperate my energy.
I sat here for a short respite from carrying the umbrella while walking in the rain, and researched swan behaviour until I realised what I think was A BIG ANT CRAWLING ON MY HEAD, which I accidentally flicked onto my phone. My research findings concluded that it was a greeting snort, and left the area with haste! And of course, I decided I will make it my mission to befriend the swan with just my mind and vibes alone (because it’s illegal to feed them.) I also think that there should be more documentation on swan behaviour!
I walked and then found something familiar, an inkling of a memory being rekindled..
But just a bit more… and I’ve reached where I was before years ago! The waterfall… with them, with everyone, the photography club I ‘led’ in high school…
I suppressed my emotions to the best of my ability, because the second I entered the cave, some memories from those all years ago came flooding back - although my memory fails me, because I cannot recall every single moment. Still shots from a film that became lost media is the best way I can describe it. We took so many pictures that were lost to time - no, erased - yet it may be that my memories were wiped quicker than the storage memory of the DSLR cameras we used.
I have this fear of dropping anything I own in a large body of water - no matter how insignificant the item is, I just don’t want to lose anything to the void forevermore. But this is exactly what the human brain does to us, everyday.. it is so cruel, so grotesque that it disgusts me to even talk about it.
The only thing saving us from this cruelty is the longevity of images.. it transfers onto our memories, letting us feel, smell, see, hear… several moments from the past. Between being crippled by fear of the future or mourning the past, I’d choose the latter any day.
The only shortcoming of images, is the absence of feelings. If only I could make you feel what I feel..
So, I know that if I just had those pictures today, I’d never forget, never...
If I had the energy or the stamina, I’m sure I would have accumulated so, so many more memories by now, than what I currently store in my mind. I wonder if I could even make a short film, with my current storage memory. A story… the most important part of a story to me is the finale. The end determines everything.
At the end of this trip, I passed the Swan Lake again, saying my goodbyes to the friendly swan. I felt like I was being followed?!
A lonely swan... I promise, I’ll come see you again.
What I feel now… a metamorphosis? Nothing in me has radically changed, but my heart just feels more full, being in this place, writing to you. I feel at peace.
The following night, I slept for ages, while dreaming of the.. park? Except what I saw was more like a huge forest. For some reason, I was travelling along a car road, being swallowed by tall pine trees. Passing by many ponds with swans in them. It was a beautiful dream.
I want to make a film.
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